Smallness...

Currently I am feeling very small. Not merely small in physical stature, which I happen to actually be, but small in mind and heart and soul.

As far as mind, my intelligence is so much lower than so many people! My perseverance for learning in general is sorely lacking, and I cannot bear doing more-than-usually-difficult work. Also, I am fairly unteachable as far as "Don't-bother-me-I-can-learn-this-on-my-own" sort of thing...

Concerning heart, there is little to say but, "GROW GROW GROW!!!" My friends are so wonderful and compassionate that I feel low and vulgar on occasion.

My soul...Ah, the soul! So much growing for it to do! Never more than twice a week do I read my Bible, and quick blips of "prayer" before I shut off the light are the staples of my Christianity. I feel that my soul is small, small, small; and malnourished....

I am not complaining of my incompetence for practically everything, I just had the very stark realization that I am very, very low in the scheme of things.

And I am frightened. I am frightened for the people I am going to meet as I move to Washington; I am frightened for the potential damage and stupidity I could create there; I am frightened for all the people here who I have underappreciated and never loved as much as they deserve. My mind, heart, and soul are so shallow and unfinished that it feels overwhelming, and I am not sure what to do.

I have such a wonderful life! I am in nearly-perfect physical health, my family is wonderful, we are well-provided for, I have amazing friends, wonderful teachers and an excellent school. So then I look at the people around me who are suffering from health problems, who have endured incredible pain and who have grown incredibly through enduring pain. I see beauty, humility, joy and compassion, and a knowledge which far surpasses any found in your average A Beka textbooks.

What does it take to become as transparently lovely, in heart, soul and mind, as those who have endured the trials of life? I know we should not pray for trial, but what should we pray for? Can a good and easy life yield the same results? Were/are we all meant for this beauty?

Usquequaque...

...means "utterly", in Latin. It is a lovely word, and accurately describes my current mode of living. I am utterly thankful for being utterly happy, utterly sick, and utterly busy, and am utterly uttering these things to you. :D

I have spent the past week (in perfect physical health) moaning and groaning about pretty much everything and being melancholy. As of coming home from school yesterday, I found out that I was sick...

For some reason, I am utterly happy and thankful for life now!

And in Torrey we had the magnificent Thanksgiving devotional by Mr. Bartel, in which we discussed gratitude, seeing things for what they truly are (i.e., God's creation), and (I think) God's gift of life to us (initiation courtesty of Mr. Chesterton and his "Crazy Tale").

I wonder if part of being grateful for God's creation is enjoying it? As my teacher mentioned, we should certainly not idolize anything, but perhaps we end up idolizing something because we do not look long enough at it. Should we then look and enjoy and learn all the more?

There are so many amazing things to learn from God! I know that's a "Captain-Obvious" thing to say, but I haven't said or understood it nearly enough. Maybe seeing what's right under our noses, and realizing that they are important, is the first step towards seeing things properly at all.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

(Oh, and anyone who likes pretty, fluffy comics with Russian-named characters, they should read "The Phoenix Requiem", at http://requiem.seraph-inn.com/. It is happy. :)

Whee!!!

Yay!!! It is Friday, which means that "Vita est bona"!

I just wanted to share this lovely and amusing (to me) site with anyone who cares.

www.godtube.com

It is the "Christian equivalent" of YouTube.