Smallness...

Currently I am feeling very small. Not merely small in physical stature, which I happen to actually be, but small in mind and heart and soul.

As far as mind, my intelligence is so much lower than so many people! My perseverance for learning in general is sorely lacking, and I cannot bear doing more-than-usually-difficult work. Also, I am fairly unteachable as far as "Don't-bother-me-I-can-learn-this-on-my-own" sort of thing...

Concerning heart, there is little to say but, "GROW GROW GROW!!!" My friends are so wonderful and compassionate that I feel low and vulgar on occasion.

My soul...Ah, the soul! So much growing for it to do! Never more than twice a week do I read my Bible, and quick blips of "prayer" before I shut off the light are the staples of my Christianity. I feel that my soul is small, small, small; and malnourished....

I am not complaining of my incompetence for practically everything, I just had the very stark realization that I am very, very low in the scheme of things.

And I am frightened. I am frightened for the people I am going to meet as I move to Washington; I am frightened for the potential damage and stupidity I could create there; I am frightened for all the people here who I have underappreciated and never loved as much as they deserve. My mind, heart, and soul are so shallow and unfinished that it feels overwhelming, and I am not sure what to do.

I have such a wonderful life! I am in nearly-perfect physical health, my family is wonderful, we are well-provided for, I have amazing friends, wonderful teachers and an excellent school. So then I look at the people around me who are suffering from health problems, who have endured incredible pain and who have grown incredibly through enduring pain. I see beauty, humility, joy and compassion, and a knowledge which far surpasses any found in your average A Beka textbooks.

What does it take to become as transparently lovely, in heart, soul and mind, as those who have endured the trials of life? I know we should not pray for trial, but what should we pray for? Can a good and easy life yield the same results? Were/are we all meant for this beauty?