I am afraid.

So, recently I've been thinking about the five main things I'd like to do before I die.

(Item 0. Use the words "I", "me", and "myself" much, much less!)

Hah, yeah...Anyways, it's not as morbid of a subject as it might sound. In fact, it greatly assists in the arranging of priorities, the discovering of fears, the learning of things about oneself and such.

1. Get married and have...4-10 kids. :)
I'm afraid of never being loved in such a way.
2. Write something good and get it published.
I'm afraid of rejection by Editors and the General Populace.
3. Work as a missionary somewhere for 6 mo.-2 yrs. or so.
I'm afraid of failure.
4. Learn how to love life and how to love people for who they are; not for what I wish it was, or who I wish they were.
I am afraid of the emotional risk that accompanies loving anything truly and deeply.
5. Learn how to love God.
I am really, truly afraid of what He will ask me to do!

And no matter how much I "steel" myself against these fears (which basically means the more I ignore them), they will always find a way past the barrier unless I give them wholly to God.

Heh, if you can't beat them, join God!

Perhaps it is a lifelong journey, to realize more fears and give them up to God again and again and again. Perhaps it is a lifelong journey, to realize the holy ambitions placed in our hearts by God's own hand, and to pray for His Head, Heart, and Hand again and again and again.

Life is such an sad and joyful, complex and simple, devastating and renewing process! Life through death and death for new life; dead to the world's ways and alive in Christ.

Isn't it amazing how many paradoxes pop up? We learn to be content in God's plans and His providence, and then He stirs in us a restless desire for heavenly things. He urges us to lose everything and find everything in Him. We are unique individuals living as one Body in Christ. We are crucified with Him in order to live again.

We crucify our fears in order to live in His peace.

It's all so confusing until you find out that it makes perfect sense!! AAAHHH!!!

So, I don't know what college I'm going to, I don't know who I will marry if I ever do, I don't know how to perfectly live out what I believe and I don't understand why God can't just make me perfect now...

But I do know that God's one heck of a lot smarter than me and knows where all this is going. :)

What are five things you want to do before you die? (They can be silly too, by the way! I want to eat all the most expensive things at the most expensive restaurant the day I'm given a week or whatever to live...:) What are your fears, hopes, holy ambitions? What do you love about life?

(Wow, that was long! If you made it through, thank you and hopefully the next post will be more concise!)

Love,
Danielle